To be Strong.

Dear ______,
Hello, nice to meet you.
You don't know me.
You don't know me at all, actually.
So, where have you been?

I play soccer now. . . .
I'm on the dance team and I write for the school newspaper.
I have a boyfriend. He's really nice.
I'm going to college next year and I'm learning how to drive.
I have my whole life planned out.

Does that make you proud?

In a way, I kind of hate you. . . . even though I don't know you.
I think that's why I hate you actually, because I dont' know you.
I hate you for not being in my life.
Why didn't you want to know me?
I'm a great person to know.
I'm funny and smart.
I think we could've gotten along.

You don't know this. . . . but, you taught me how to forget and how to ignore pain.
You taught me how to be strong.

I don't like to talk about you. . . . but I think about you a lot.
I wonder what it would be like if you were here.
I wonder what it would be like to meet you.
I wonder if you would want to meet me.
& I wonder if you think about me too.

But the harsh reality is: We could be sitting in the same room, and I wouldn't know you. . . . nor would you know me.
Just two strangers, that's all we are.

Journalism is hard.

I never thought that telling the truth could be so restrictive on creativity.
Write about budget cuts. Write about construction news. Write about the new teacher.
So, I write.
They give my paper back; REWRITE.
Take out all adjectives. No room for descriptive words in the newspaper.
Take out all opinions. No one cares what you think.
Research! Nothing that comes from your mind is good enough. The only thoughts that matter are the thoughts of professionials.
Lead. Quote. Transition. Quote. Transition. Qoute. Transition. Quote. Transition.



I feel like a mindless robot.
I'm not a writer, I'm simply a window for people to view what's going on in the world, or in my case the school.
I'm the researcher. . . . The person who gathers the information and then provides it in a simple, easy-to-read, straight-forward article that requires no thought, nor does it make you think. It just is.
I'm the media.
This information is out there for people, so why can't they just go find it themselves?
I'm convenience.
I'm everything I do not want to be, but I have no choice.

Dear Derek,

Happy anniversary. <3

So, we've been together for five months. Almost half a year already.

Let me start by saying that I love you. You know you mean THE WORLD to me.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. (:

Thank you for always being there for me through the good times and the bad.

I don't know what I would do if you weren't by my side.

You make me so happy.

Thanks for never letting me fall.

Thanks for caring so much about me.

Thanks for making me smile BIG when I'm having a bad day.

Babe, in these past five months we've experienced so much together.

We have so much fun together.

I seriously think we were meant for each other. <3

You're a dork, but that's why I fell for you. (:

That, plus 50 jillion other reasons. haha.

You're just amazing.

Derek, you're the SWEETEST, CUTEST, NICEST, FUNNIEST, DORKIEST, BESTEST boyfriend ever!

Thank you for a great five months.

I love you. <3

I give up.
I can't deal anymore.
I just want the things that hold me down. . . . the things that keep me from losing it.
Soccer. Dance. Derek.
I can't deal with anything else at the moment.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Focus on those three things that make me oh so happy.

My Favorite.

So, my teacher english teacher gave us an assignment. . . . it was actually kind of random, but i found the assignment very interesting. So without furhter ado, here it is.

List your favorites and explain why you chose them.

1. Place to Live:

My favorite place to live isn't ONE place. I'm not sure if this goes for everyone, but I'd get bored if I lived in the same place for too long. So, I'm unsure of how I should respond to this question. I guess I will just describe my ideal home then. My ideal house is BIG. It's not that I want to be rich and live a plush life, because I could care less. I just like wide, open space. I guess I always have. I need to live where there is more space than there are things. It sounds kind of weird when I say it out loud. haha. (:



2. People to be With:
This is my favorite question.

Derek

He makes me happy.
When I'm with him my troubles melt away into almost nothing,
it's as if they weren't even there to begin with.
No worries. No stress. Just me and him. & I love it that way.
It's funny how one person won't mean much to you one day,
and the next their happiness, let alone their existence, is so vital to yours.
I never thought that I could care this much about a single person.
It's scary actually, being in love.
You never want to lose this person.
You never want get hurt, but even more so you never want to hurt them.
But as much as it is scary, it is twice as much wonderful and amazing.
This feeling needs to stay.
I can't imagine NOT falling in love with this kid.
He is amazing.
I love you, Derek.

Vivian
We laugh for hours, literally.
Sometimes, I think we know eachother better than we know ourselves.
I've had hundreds of friends, but only she stands out in my mind.
They say that if you're lucky you'll have one good friend that will be there for your entire life.
Well I guess I'm extremely lucky, because I have one GREAT friend that I know will always be there for me.
She's my best friend.
& it doesn't need to be said or agreed upon that we will stay friends forever.
We simply know.
Our friendship is strong, there's no doubt about it.
I've never met anyone so similar to myself, yet so opposite at times.
I can't imagine NOT meeting her and becoming friends with her.
Thanks, Vivian.
For every laugh, every late night talk. For being my best friend.

LDCers
I can't help but be in a good mood when I'm around these people.
I mean, what can i say? They're all pretty amazing.
We formed a family in five days. . . . a great family!
& we've all shared some great times together.
I love being around all the LDCers at the staff trainings.
Those days are never bad ones.
You guys know who you are.
Thanks for all the good times. (:


3. Trip/Vacation:
Mammoth. ALWAYS.
It's my childhood.
I've been going up to my uncle's cabin in Mammoth every year for as long as I can remember.
There's been good times, and bad times too. But it never gets old.
I feel somewhat connected to that place.
It holds so many memories for me. It's my mountain. My Mammoth.


4. Movie:
Probably Mean Girls.
Okay, I know it's not that deep. But hey, it's pretty hilarious. haha.


5. Dream/Future/Hope:
My favorite dream, future, or hope is simply to live a happy life.
Nothing big or unattainable. Just good old simple happiness.

6. Activity:
Dance. Because it feels good.
I need it in my life.
Let me attemp to describe the feeling I get when I'm dancing.
It feels happy or sad or angry or sexy or silly.
Dance works with any emotion.
When I dance I feel free.
I simply think that dance is the solution. . . . to everything.


7. Sport:
My favorite sport is soccer.
I love the adrenaline rush.
Soccer is challenging, but fun.

8. Music:
I like acoustic, coffee house type sfuff.
I need music that makes me think, like the deep kind you know?
Meaningful lyrics are the best.
But at the same time I really like silly songs about random nothingness.
Ironic, huh?
I really think I'm just a girl who has a hard time making up her mind. haha.


9. Interest:
Writing. I love it.
I like to describe things.
The way they look, sound, feel, smell, taste.
I don't know, I guess I'm just oddly fascinated with describing everything.
It's like painting a picture, only with words that are deeper than any color imaginable.

10. Role Models:
I've been thinking about this one for a long time.
& I've come to the conclusion that I don't think I have any role models.
I don't know anybody that I want to grow up to be exactly like.
I want to be like me.
Not to say that I don't admire the work of others and that I've never learned anything from anyone, but I've just never many anybody who I want to be like.
I like being like me.


11. Personality:
Well, I've never been asked this question before so I've never really thought about it.
But I'll try to answer the question the best I can.
Okay, last week I met a girl for the first time.
Her name was Patty and we were going on a Sacramento trip together for this program that we both got accepted into.
I like personalities like her's.
Before we even had a conversation I knew we would get along.
Some people are just easily liked and they kind of draw people to them.
Of course, we hit it off pretty well & ended up talking on the whole flight back home.
I guess my favorite type of personality is someone like that, someone that you know want to be friends with right away.

12. Weather/Season:
My favorite season is Winter.
It's weird because my favorite weather isn't in Winter. haha. But I'll get to that later.
I love Winter. I like fireplaces, ice-skating, hot chocolate, scarves, almost anything that has to do with Winter. (:
Now, my favorite weather? COMPLETELY different. haha.
I like warm days, the breezy kind.
I like the warm air blowing against my face, my hair. It feels nice.

13. Shoes:
Actually, I prefer no shoes. I'd so much rather be barefoot.
However, if I had to chose I would pick my converse for no reason other than they are comfortable. (:

14. Things to Do For Others:
Help them. I think that's an obvious favorite for me. I like helping people.

15. Idea:
My favorite idea is the idea that two people can stay in love, forever.
Quite a concept, right?
Honestly, I do not know anybody who has fallen in love and stayed that way.
So many people fall out of love just as quickly as they fall in it.
I still believe in it, though.
I know it's possibe. . . . to fall in love with one person and stay in love.
I do believe that you come into this world alone and you leave it the same way, but if you're lucky enough to find someone to share your life with, I don't know about you, but I'd jump at the chance.
I'd jump because life without love is hardly a life at all.


There you go.
The End. (:

Be who you are

& say what you feel,

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind.

<3

[unknown]

Reality.

Maybe it's a dream. . . .

& if scream it'll burst at the seams,

the whole thing would fall into pieces.

-Jack Johnson

Something changed.

There was a shift. . . . not obvious at the moment, however it still occured.

My torn and then bandaged and then torn again and rebandaged family was suddenly on the rocks again.

The sharp edges of the rocks threatened my family, as well as my happiness.

I love my baby brother, don't get me wrong.

He's beautiful and I would give up the world for him.

However, the only conclusion that I could come up with at the moment is that he is the cause for the "shift" and overall change of atmosphere in my house.

So, what comes along with this "shift"?

-Communication in my family has hit an all time low.

-Arguments break out periodically during the week.

-My sister and I have suddenly become a BURDEN on my parents; nowhere near their priorities.

It doesn't matter anymore.

The cause of something won't change the outcome.

& I do not intend on going back and trying to fix anything.

Let the pieces lie where they fall.

School isn't much better than being at home.

I sit in a classroom for most of the day, wishing I could be somewhere else.

I have the grades to prove that.

Isn't funny how much you work for something, such as a good grade, and it could be disappear in the tinyest moment of carelessness.

Sound unfair?

LIFE isn't fair.

Well, at least that's what "they" say.

Fuck THEM.

Why am I not insane yet?

He is the only thing holding me down. . . . to my sanity, to my happiness. <3

He put his hand in mine and I felt everything fall into place.

The awkwardness of first dates and such disappeared.

His hand felt so right,

as if my hand was supposed to be held by his always.

Our fingers intertwined,

Our hands fit together

like two pieces of a puzzle.

Nothing could be more right.

I looked up, searching for his eyes until I found them.

He smiled at me.

2/20/09

<3